The dreaded intellectual apocalypse of our generation is closing in fast around us. We are warned that it will be completely normal to have feelings of complete and utter despair and to expect to be completely helpless in the upcoming desolation of the human psyche. No amount of preparation will ever be enough to survive the incoming desolate landscape of barren intellect. We will be challenged beyond the socially accepted physical and mental limits of human capabilities. with the physical and mental. No, I am not talking about the newest fashionable supernaturally inspired apocalypse. I’m talking about the trials of every semester’s finals week. In the beginning, simple instructions are given out to students. Arm oneself with useful knowledge over extended periods of time. Stock up on the necessary nourishments required to sustain human life and push boundaries of sleep deprivation, hunger and mental energy. Find the necessary documents that are needed to ensure the rejection of failure before the beginning of any exam. Snack shelves are emptied, energy drinks are hoarded and scantrons are coveted. I can only try to help and offer what advice I have on surviving the F.I.N.A.L.S., or Fear Inspiring Nearly All Last minute Studiers. My advice is as follows: 

Be up in arms. When preparing for the dreaded 8 a.m. final exams, proper defenses are essential. These come in many shapes and sizes. Though the playwright Edward Bulwer-Lytton said, “The pen is mightier than the sword,” I respectfully disagree. Nothing is as important in the apocalyptic 336 hours of preparing and taking finals as a good pencil. The counterpart of many pencils during finals week would have to be either scantrons or blue books. To be sufficiently prepared, I urge you to obtain this key instrument far beforehand. Like storing nonperishable food items for the incoming zombie apocalypse, writing utensils are something every student should have stocked up on. It’s too late now for advice on how to prepare at the beginning of and during the semester. Now is the time for insincere promises to never let study habits get this bad and worthless oaths about next semester being properly planned around time management and a structured life. Continuing on with my advice, I suggest staying on the move, albeit mentally. There is no time to rest, no time to take a break. Socializing is for the weak. Sleep is for the dead. Only those who can cram an entire school years worth of knowledge into their brains a week before the finals will survive. This is natural selection at its finest. I apologize, I meant that this is the American school system at its finest. Of course, one can hardly worry about their mental stability, dreams of happiness or hopes of obtaining enough sleep to function when grades are on the line. After the supply of cramped and half-forgotten knowledge is exhausted and after the inevitable blank mindedness that comes with staring at a piece of paper, comes a period in which freedom is foreseen. It is mistaken foresight because while there is a distinct lack of student psychics, it is a common truth that at the end of one finals week is the beginning of preparation for the next. Unless the student is graduating, in which case they have a whole other set of problems with which to deal. Once minds have become desolate landscapes, intellect has been depleted, and mental breakdowns have subsided into residual tremors, the realization of an easy option becomes present to any student who wishes to short the ongoing pressure during exams. This advice has been passed down from generations of students to the next. This coveted piece of intel has only recently been cleared for public knowledge. This option is, very obviously, that the student purchases a one-way ticket to the place of their desired destination before dead week. There, they can successfully ignore any and all pressures or stress that comes with finals. Of course, they will also be ignoring their finals but that is a far less important detail. Who cares about going to classes and automatic termination of continuing education when you’re in Fiji? 

Disclaimer: please don’t actually follow this advice. Study hard, take care of yourself and please realize that grades don’t really last that long. Finals are not the “end-all, be-all” of your college career and envisioned future.